I think she may even already suspect this otherwise why ask you to approach him on her behalf? Seeing him cultivate her interests and introduce her to things I never would have has been a blessing. His GP should be able to refer him to an appropriate local counsellor or he could contact the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (bacp.co.uk). Placing a child in the position of having to be loyal to one parent at the expense of the other parent is heinous and very damaging to the child. The comments seem to be about split on this issue. How the States Got Their Shapes for one. But what I really remember is my dad listening to me tell him about whatever I was interested in. The way hes acting could be a response to feeling alienated, Im sure, but right now it seems hes trying to run a bit of tyrannical household (with the assignments, & the verboten music and television). Tom Pettys Southern Anthem was the first CD I ever owned. My brother did not. 2. I do that with everyone I know who likes baseball, which probably makes me annoying, but its what I do. 5 Things to Do When Your Spouse is Driving You Crazy Ive been following you for years and while I dont always agree with your answers I think this was the most misguided and off the mark. (To be fair, I tried a couple of months ago when we started dating, but i couldnt understand a word during the fight scene, it was late and there was another 1.5 hours, so he turned it off so I could give it my full attention next time.) It actually kind of rocks once you get passed the first 20 mins (or watch them with subtitles). If he wants her to take an interest in his hobbies, he needs to feign interest in hers. bitter_straight_lets_be_honest and your journey to the darkside shall be complete, lets_be_honest July 3, 2013, 1:09 am, If the Mom is copying her daughters interests with such a vengeance its even more creepy. July 15, 2013, 3:10 pm. The meaning of driving a car in a dream - WellBeing Magazine Totally agree on the respect issue. Think of it this way: the car insurance typically follows the car, not the driver. When I was growing up, I always watched The Andy Grifith Show, My Three Sons, and Leave it to Beaver, because those were the shows that were on, and I love those shows, but my father didnt force me to watch them, it was just what was on TV at the time. Dad thinks Im stupid. Dad thinks Im not good enough.. I hope the LW sees your comment. Im sure its frustrating for him, I just think hes reacting in a jerk-ish way. Eating vegetables or just trying any new food? Addie Pray Youre bonding with your daughter at the expense of the relationship with your husband. And, as I am sure you know from previous experience, exploding doesn't make anything better. And disparaging his daughters interests is the absolute wrong way to go about that. But he also doesnt need to pretend to like whatever she is in to. Now she's asked me to talk to him for her and, the truth is, I'm fed up with her moping and simply don't want to. Last week she followed him home after classes again, even though his bus goes in the opposite direction to where she lives. ). Isnt there something vampiry that could also lead to a talk about scifi which leads to something the dad may like!?! Would have I rather been at the mall or curled up on the couch with a good book? But the problem here is not that the daughter dislikes her dads interests. What makes a person so hard to please or so unwilling to be predictable? Copyright 2023 The Relationship Notes.Privacy Policy . All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Not seeing their daughters as people who can make good decisions. Discuss that there are other things to talk about sure. I take little credit for how lucky I am. Asking her to read a National Geographic article is hardly onerous. So is telling your daughter that the things she listens to or your conversations are annoying. We were so thrilled. July 2, 2013, 12:00 pm, Haha, I know your story honey, and am very jealous of your mom. No, it may not be the precise thing hes interested in, but you cant just share an interest with someone by demanding it. The fact that you cant appreciate the beauty of T-Swifts prose is mildly concerning. Is Your Partner Driving You Crazy? | Psychology Today I used to whine like crazy when my dad tried to teach me about cars or home improvement, or talk about politics. The daughter goes hiking, but the father cant say anything nice when his daughter talks about her interests. lets_be_honest I was so bad at the sports I was enrolled in that I would cry and beg not to go back, because I was the worst and everyone let me know it. As your confusion increased, you probably felt a stronger need to make things happen the way they should, while your partner accused you of obsessively tracking his or her every move. Things like going for ice cream. I mean, you cant FORCE a kid to like camping. They actually like this stuff! So it was this wonderful little springboard into history for them. Although this trip, for the first time ever, I strung the fish after I caught it. 2. And in the end its the time together, more than what youre actually doing, that makes the difference. I think compromise and parental teamwork will go a long way here. I get that it is tough to have her be mad at you sometimes even though you really enjoy the things she does, but that is just part of being a parent, and keeping a healthy marriage. The Substitute Wife: My Poor Husband is a Billionaire It could very well be a phase, too I used to be obsessed with Sailor Moon but you dont still see me walking around in a sailor outfit with a headband on. If the later is the case, I would seriously consider whether or not husband wants to change and work on himself and if not, I would maybe get out. July 2, 2013, 11:06 am. He(now) jokes that he and my mom missed out on the music of the 80s (and therefore dont know any of it) because they were listening to the wheels on the bus on repeat for the entire decade. Look, I had a great relationship with my dad. Definitely! Only one parent here is enforcing assignments on their child. He would watch Full House or something with us. Sci-Fi is a great gateway to get kids interested in sciencethere was a museum exhibit traveling around called Star Wars: Where Science Meets Imagination, and theres a similar one about Indiana Jones and archaeology. Or are they just not able to love without losing themselves? Heck Yes! if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1','ezslot_16',128,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1','ezslot_17',128,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1-0_1');.mobile-leaderboard-1-multi-128{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:15px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:15px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:600px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}If your daughter is still young, she may not be ready to see you with anyone other than her biological father. I assumed it was more than just playful eye rolling because of the added detail about disparaging remarks. Roll your eyes!?! I think this is a great point. Child Custody and Substance Abuse - Verywell Family I got a very different vibe from this. Driving a car in dreams can reveal thoughts and feelings about who or what is controlling your life, how in or out of control you feel, and how clear you are about your goals or destination in life. Ya know what happens when Mom encourages the relationship and Dad continues to belittle the kid? Though unsettling, your partner was not boring. Well-said, courtney. July 2, 2013, 12:15 pm. lets_be_honest lets_be_honest It has legitimate and, imo, unassailable value in sparking the imaginations and intellectualism of people. Talk about missing the point. I dont know if its The Best thing, but its very important and Im glad for all the things he exposed me to. my parents made us go to church every Sunday then come home and watch meet the press. "So last night, I did everything exactly the same way, but it was a disaster. I was an athlete and a complete girly girl (still am), so my dad got his sports buddy and princess in one child my sister was not into sports or girly things. lbh based on the LWs description do you really think this is the same as your experience? Ooh, that was common ground for my dad and sisters and I. Mini golf. So basically my husband has been their father as their biological father rarely sees them,maybe once or twice a year. What To Do When My Husband Is Driving My Daughter Away? The variables didnt add up, but you were determined to hang in there and solve the situation by wits and endurance. If one of them moves over 100 miles away, then the arrangement changes to each meeting half way. I was like 7.) I feel like this could have been written by my mom, to an extent. Hopefully she'll see the sense in this and be able to move on. The Substitute Wife: My Poor Husband is a Billionaire novel Chapter 89 Take Them All Away . I was just trying to illustrate (like Wendy did) to the LW that it can be amazing when a father with very different interests introduces a kid to something they may not otherwise have been introduced to, even forcefully to a degree. So, I have actually always been closer with my dad to be honest. Because your daughter may eventually outgrow her fangirl phase, but if you do your job right, shell never outgrow being a strong, confident, interesting and interested person. I am a nurse who works night shifts, and I have a working son, 21, and student daughter 20. my husband and their father died 3 years ago, and I have been working steadily. THIS. HA! He rolls his eyes not at her accomplishments, but her timewasters A rather big difference. Losing the . Maybe they both like pizza or Indian food or something; then Dad can take her out to dinner or cook with her. . Unfortunately for your husband, its not as easy for him to nurture his relationship with his adolescent daughter and rather than helping him and by extension, your daughter create a closer parent-child bond, you seem to be almost delighting in the Us Against Him mentality you share with your daughter (we look forward to him traveling so we wont have to tiptoe around him, etc.). Older and (hopefully) wiser Anytime someone starts a comment with an um, I dont bother reading it because its bound to be condescending. I think the dad most definitely needs to be happy with the daughter he has, and not spend so much energy trying to shame her into being the daughter he wants, So he should act like an adult and not take his frustration out on his daughter by telling her that her interests annoy him. We were never close because by the time I was a teenager, I felt like I couldnt be my own person around him and like I was always walking on eggshells so as not to pick the wrong activity to occupy myself with. Obsessed with dolls? And the activities that your husband wants your daughter to do arent horrible, they are actually really good for her. My parents eventually got divorced, and I actually think without that, I might not have such a good relationship with my father (who I am much more like as an adult than my mother) or the family on his side, because of how my mom made it us against him when I was little. I know my father and I did not share a lot of interests when I was growing up I read a lot and was introverted. We all died laughing. And every once in a while, he needs to do something he doesnt like because SHE wants to do it, and he loves her. honeybeenicki I have to agree to me the dads attitude is the problem here. This mother needs to chill out a bit. (I remember one long drive when i was little where we ran out of all other cds and they suffered through it for a little while and I was happy as a clam, but eventually they couldnt deal with it anymore). Many things can contribute to this type of conflicts, such as personality clashes or differing parenting styles. But it can get super boring waiting for that to happen. And my dad is so crazy into going to my games Walter said he was yelling his head off at the last one. Do I wish shed made more of an effort to hang out with me sometimes and like the stuff I liked? Sorry Wendy (and LW) I think your answer was as wrong as it was long. July 2, 2013, 12:06 pm. I remember how happy my dad was to spend time with me and to share something with me that he was so passionate about. Janet got the love and affection of a parent from the old maid who raised her. It seems way more acceptable to be a nut for sports but if you watch Buffy? Oh and shes also going hiking with her dad this weekend because I told her to suck it up and get her ass in gear and tell her dad she wants to go, oh and shes also taking spinning classes with him this fall because her size 0 ass isnt gonna last forever with the way she eats spaghetti since she shares my DNA. Nope, not from Scranton. A lot of them could lean into things he likes Firefly could lead into an interest in science. The wife should be supportive of his efforts, but he needs to act like a grown man and stop being so selfish. If he can target things toward what she might like, then shell probably be more receptive. I thought you might like it because of x,y, and z. Shes interested in piano, archery, musicals and science fiction. I know you said you dont want to hear about counseling and your problem isnt communication, but really? My dad was also much more stern, and as a shy kid, he made me sort of uncomfortable at times. going to museums? Did I love that stuff? Before reading Wendys answer you and your daughter sound awesome! Hes let me know so many times that when hes had a hard day, he loves a home-cooked meal, watching his favorite show, going to sleep, and then making love in the morning. Yes, he makes fun of my sister and mother and i whenever we talk a lot about Girly things, like makeup and hair, which I find annoying and a little jerky; but I dont think hes failed at parenting because of it. After all, youre two different people with different perspectives, needs, and wants. July 2, 2013, 10:50 am. FWIW, I didnt get that vibe either, Fabelle. Are they driven by some internal fear or do they just get off on the game? WTF youre her mother not her BFF get it together and help your husband round her out! July 2, 2013, 4:19 pm. FIONA SAYS: It's never too late to change patterns so long as he's willing. You raised a very good point that I didnt even mention. When my family went on vacations as a kid, I didnt get a say in where we went. He wants to force his daughter to conform to the kind of person who enjoys the things that he does, and cutting her down for not being competitive (which usually means involved in team sports) and forcing her to do homework to his liking is not the same as an involved parent working to help his child become well rounded. Are any of these familiar to you? I promise, the daughter will remember and cherish the efforts. It may be up to this mom to protect her daughter, especially if the fights she describes keep getting worse. But no amount of time spent is going to make an experience with someone who doesnt really respect you as you are more enjoyable. My mom and I both liked movies, reading, pop culture, and shopping. And then it was like ok, you dont have to do that (not that I ever DID have to, I wanted to go, and then discovered it sucked). And dont EVER talk negatively about one spouse to your children. This results in a reflexive coping mechanism that severely restricts their hopes and desires in life. Twelve year old take everything personally, so if hes saying I hate your favorite book, its so annoying, shes probably hearing, Youre stupid for liking that, even when its not what he means. 6napkinburger Unfortunately, the old woman fell ill, and Janet had to marry a worthless man in place of her parents' biological daughter to meet the maid's medical expenses. No, but we went, because thats how we spent time together- projects and DIY fixes. , Fair enough, NKOTB fan!! He was much kinder to them.) The first theory is that her husband is jealous of the close relationship she has with their daughter. Parents should be parents and kids should be kids. 8 Signs Your Partner Is Causing Harm To Your Family Relationships - Bustle July 2, 2013, 3:46 pm. Ive definitely think Ive learned more from my daughter than shes learned from me. In my case, Im sure there would have been something else to criticize if I was a different kid. July 2, 2013, 1:18 pm, Um, both piano recitals and spelling bees are CONSTRUCTIVE activities Fangirling? What to Do When Your Ex Undermines Your Authority Skyblossom Your Husband & Daughter Don't Get Along: How to Resolve - TRN And I dont think that tv shows a mature, intelligent adult would watch necessarily means they are good shows to watch. I mean freak out and force your kid to read something if they cant, not if you dont like that they choose to read Harry Potter in their free time. It's never easy when feelings like this are not returned, but she needs to accept that a relationship with this guy seems to be a non-starter. Self-centered passive-aggressive husband driving me crazy Yeah, the letter makes me really concerned for their marriage. Not for a minute did I think she was missing out on anything because of not having a dad, as she had my dad and my brother to fill those fatherly roles. Yeah the dictating that she cant even listen to songs sometimes in the car is way over the top. July 2, 2013, 12:04 pm, If shes expected to learn to take an interest in HIS hobbies, its fair that the same be expected of him every so often.. The opposite gender relationship in a family (IMO) kinda shapes future relationships your daughter may have with boyfriends. Id love to tell you about the things I like. Shes a kid, with a kids sense of fairness, so that would probably be a good compromise, because right now, hes asking her to do all the changing. a truly horrible driver. Asshole My son had his wedding days ago. Shouldnt some autonomy be introduced at an appropriate age? Wendy, I too got the us against him mentality from this LW. I hated sitting through long sports games. The father is totally out of line with his dismissive and unloving ways, but so is the mother, big time. So now our oldest daughter is 16 and . First and foremost, of course, is the safety of your children. He is honest, reliable, and sincere. July 2, 2013, 1:26 pm. Frankly, I dont know ANYBODY who had such strange mutual worships WITH their parents I dunno, back in the 1980s most parents were actually grown ups, I guess. But he let them happen, and would use them to talk to me about other books or stories that would expand my horizon. A talk with your husband about encouraging ALL of her interests (NOT belittling them) and being her own person is crucial at this age. July 2, 2013, 12:07 pm. WOW! It was always classic rock radio in the car, and at home he usually had some background music going, often from his own enormous collection of CDs that included everything from classic rock to blues to zydeco. For some reason I keep imagining LWs husband as Red Foreman and her daughter as Eric. (And those are two things I didnt care for as a kid that I really like now.) Even now, as an adult, when he says he doesnt care and I can pick whatever, I know that isnt really true I put on say yes to the dress and hell be like, ok, well, not this. Dont talk negatively about her father. It must suck to have go some where with the two of them, and because your wife wants to be best friends with your daughter, you probably cant even talk with her while they are together. And LW, just because there is communicating going on around you doesnt mean that your family has good, healthy, communication. You wouldnt even ask that of an adult; why do you expect a kid to be okay with it? The problem is, he's never been able to relate to them and, even when he does talk with them, he causes an argument or upsets them. Most passive aggressive folks have two things in common: 1. How can I tell my husband he's a terrible driver? Cool! So as not to be hurt again, they simply avoid situations where they think they will need to expose their feelings or emotions. My mom is super-duper awesome. This young girl sounds like shes already quite cultured! LW, I think encouraging your daughter to spend time with her dad is so important. Saying they were weird made me feel like the lesser for having been touched by their stories. Act like one. He is clearly not getting the message. lets_be_honest At a certain point isnt parenting about teaching your children to be healthy, functioning adults not just robots who do what they are told? bittergaymark | Not from Scranton either! Awesome post, Wendy The whole time reading the letter I was feeling a bit sorry for the dad, but mostly in the sense of Wow, sucks for him that hes such a big fat pain in the ass and no one likes him. Then I read your response and realized even if he is a pain in the ass, Mom has lots to work on too. A good game will bring out the competitiveness in everyone. I recall all too well how some can turn every god damn conversation into a deep Buffy exploration So, yes. He is also very critical of both of US He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed, to the extent that he gives her assignments, like reading articles from National Geographic and discussing them with him, which, of course, she resents. Im not saying that to excuse the dads behavior if hes being mean, but if the LW truly wants to do the best thing for her daughter, she needs to do something that 1) Doesnt encourage her daughter to dislike her dad and 2) Actually makes him stop being mean, because what shes doing now clearly isnt working. We laughed because the one garden that got me actually excited and interested (the Japanese gardens) was her least favorite and is also my dads favorite type of gardens. When children become teenagers, they sometimes start to distance themselves from their parents. i ask my son to pay 250.00 a month to pay car insurance and cell phone. I AM going to say, though, that they are a *substantial* part of why all of that happened. Here are a few things to keep in mind as you navigate this difficult situation. And the Inner Light is a great episode, I watched it recently on Netflix. Gently explain that you're not happy approaching this guy because you think he's simply not interested and that, if she continues to chase him, she's leaving herself open to more hurt and disappointment.
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